I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
BRING THE BAGELS
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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