I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
