Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
so much tequila, so little girl.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
