he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
