So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
