He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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