...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
