Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
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I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
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Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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