The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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