Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
