literally had 100 drinks last night.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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