My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
