i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
