never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
