I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
3 2 1 whiskey
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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