She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
