the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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