So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
