Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
how drunk are you?
Several
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
