it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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