if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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