so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
