i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
