Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
