One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
