Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
