So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Randomize
