just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
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When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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