and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
