He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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