No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
