a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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