my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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