My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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