Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
