If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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