If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
