i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
