How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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