I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
