I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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