Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
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