It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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