Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize