Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize