chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
