I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
