Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
