You're a womanizer and a bitch.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
