if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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