dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
where are you?
Hypothermia
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
