just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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