The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
