my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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