Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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