You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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